Recipe for an Emotional Sandwich
6 Positive Pregnancy Tests
2 Slices of Worry
1/3 Cup Excitement
1 Tbs of Guilt (Spread Thinly)
Sounds like something they only serve at the Diner for Infertiles, huh?
(Whose idea was it to type this post without a box of tissues?!)
The crappy news…I’m so afraid to let my guard down and actually believe this IS IT. The moment I’ve waited for for over two years, through 4 IVF cycles, 1 miscarriage (D&C), 1 Chemical Pregnancy, and more disappointment than anyone should be subjected to…but this is the reality of battling infertility. This is what the disease does. It takes away the excitement of starting a family. It puts your marriage and friendships through the ultimate test of strength. It challenges your body in ways that seem, just, unnatural. It fucks with your mind, pushing you to some of the darkest places you may ever experience. Worst of all, it takes the joy out of the moments that should be filled with happiness.
I’m by no means trying to spew negative vibes here, I’m just being real. I am only human. These are my feelings. This is my reality at the moment. I figured out early on that happiness is something you have to work at throughout this process. Prior to starting this fourth cycle, I managed to get myself in the best mental state I had been in for over a year. I’d like to think that actually contributed to the good news. It wasn’t until the dreaded two week wait that suddenly I began to struggle again. I teetered back and forth between thinking this would be my time, and wanting to be put out of my misery already.
At 4DP5&6DT (9DPO) I decided on a whim to take a test. I expected nothing more than a single line to pop up and for me to reassure myself that it was just too early…but that wasn’t the case. There was a second line. Am I seeing things? Checked it again in the morning, still there! At 6DP5&6DT (11DPO) I tested again, and to my surprise another set of parallel lines…darker to boot! I start to think maybe this is real, but yet I still find it hard to crack a smile. I’ve been down this road before.
My official beta results came in today (9DP5DT) at a whopping 328! Ok, starting to feel more real, but we aren’t out of the woods yet. Regardless, I know I need to keep myself in a place of positivity, and I owe it to myself to enjoy this moment.
Here’s what I’m doing or have done to remain positive:
- Downloaded my very first pregnancy app (because, why the hell not?)
- Continuing acupuncture to keep my chi circulating (and prick that “happy baby” point a few more times)
- Surprised my immediate family and friends with the news, despite the unknown future (because I deserve to experience this)
- Meditation (I can’t praise this practice enough)
Here’s what we did different this Natural FET cycle:
- Started Vitamin D3 Supplements at 2000iu per day (please consult your doctor)
- Started Low Dose 81mg Aspirin after confirmed ovulation (please consult your doctor)
- Infertility acupuncture session evening before transfer
- Infertility acupuncture immediately following transfer (2 hours after to be exact)
- Continued acupuncture 1x/week
- Went into this cycle with a clear mind, relaxed, and stress-free, following a 2 month break
Only noticeable “symptoms”:
- Insomnia (waking up 1AM, 3AM, 4AM)
- Mild uterine pulling/tugging
- PM Nausea (particularly after eating)
- Pink / light brown DC 2-3 DP transfer (never had this ever before)
- Exhaustion in afternoon/evening
In one of my most popular posts on my blog “Becoming a Mother is Supposed to be My Choice”, I mention that getting pregnant is not supposed to be the work of God or “good luck”. I still firmly believe this. That said, I CANNOT deny for even a second that the amount of positive support and energy I received from my friends, family, ttcsisters, blog readers, IG family and alike has at least partially attributed to this BFP. The truth is, I literally couldn’t get through this journey with you…and that’s where the “pregnancy guilt” comes in. Another sad reality of infertility. I’m afraid of losing support from the community that has been my saving grace. I’m afraid my #ttcsisters will think I’m abandoning them on the rest of their journey. I’m afraid it may bring out some bitterness and anger (which I can completely understand, because…I’VE BEEN THERE). That’s all well out of my control. All I can say is I am beyond thankful for this community and I intend stay on the sidelines cheering on each and every one of you. Reminding you to find happiness. Reminding you to keep fucking pushing. Reminding you to not give up…and reminding myself much the same.
I have no idea where this BFP will take me. My hope is, all the way to mommyhood. I know how quickly this can go downhill, which would fucking suck, but knowing I have this community to fall back on is one of the few things that makes me able to enjoy this moment…just a teensy, insy, bit.
Beta Results 9DP5DT: 328
Back on Wednesday for Beta #2
For the POAS Addicts: