Half a Year – If Only I Knew
Six months has passed in what feels like a matter of minutes. Time sure did move a lot slower when we were waiting for you, but I’d wait all over again if I knew you would be the recompense, after such a long and trying journey. I’d relive every ounce of pain, every moment of uncertainty, every loss, and spend every. single. penny. again…if I knew, you would be the end result. But I couldn’t have known. That’s the thing about life, the only certainty is that we never truly know what tomorrow holds. All we can do is hope, and dream, and fight, and have faith that one day, everything will fall into place. It’s sad to think, I may have never met you, if we hadn’t given it just “one more try“. After so much failure, I teetered on the line of giving up and pushing forward, but I wasn’t raised a quitter. I’m forever grateful that we chose the latter. You’re a testament of courage and strength. Proof of perseverance. You…are a dream come true.
If you’ve been reading along since my infertility days, you know I have a mild obsession with Eckhart Tolle and his book “The Power of Now”. I’ve quoted him profusely, and strive to follow his principles daily, but alas, I cannot honestly say I’ve achieved super enlightened status (yet) – check back in about 18 years :P. Anyway, my point is, his book helped me through some of the hardest points of my journey, and I do believe others can benefit from his explanations of “living in the moment” and “being present”, but I also believe it takes quite a bit of emotional and spiritual conditioning to actually get yourself into that mindset when you’re battling infertility. So if you’re finding yourself in a state of waiting, if you’ve considered giving up…here are a few reasons to continue moving forward…
Everything you want is on the other side of fear.
Fear has a way of stopping us from pursing our dreams, because we are afraid of failure. We are afraid to cycle through this process over and over again. We are afraid of being vulnerable…but ultimately, we are afraid of being childless. The way I see it, you have two choices…you can live an “I could’ve” life or an “I’m trying” life. One implies, not letting fear make the decisions for you. When you begin to look at failure as a bump in the road, rather than the end of a journey, you begin to take control over your situation. There is no failure, except in not trying any longer.
You could miss out on something magnificent.
“What if” is another one of those not-living-in-the-moment phrases. Typically a thought filled with worry, often leading to a decision, which may then lead to regret. What if it doesn’t work? I can’t handle anymore failure. Maybe this process isn’t for me. If this sounds like you, worry wisely! What if it DOES work? What if your moment is coming?
Today is not forever.
When you battle infertility, you will have good days and bad days. You will have emotional outbursts. You will frequently wonder, “why me?”. And when you’re really broken down, you will have moments when you think you’re not strong enough to beat infertility. Well guess what? Tomorrow is a new day. A fresh start. Another chance. You will cry. you will rage, you will be HUMAN, but don’t let those feelings shadow each new potentially good day. I promise you will come out of this journey, stronger than you ever thought possible…breakdowns and all!
Changing the route to your destination, is not “giving up”.
If you come to a point in your journey, when medically, financially and/or emotionally, your path to motherhood needs to change, embrace the end result. If your dream is to be a mother, and you’re passionate about it regardless of biological status, then choosing a donor, a surrogate, or adoption is by no means “giving up”. It’s rather another means of creating the family you were meant to have.
Last but not least, if you’re going through hell…KEEP GOING.